so last night i barely slept. i may have forgotten to take one of my meds and i didn’t really feel the mental need to go to sleep. physically i was really tired. or maybe it was the other way around? i’m not very good at recognizing what i’m feeling. it’s very confusing. my moods have been all over the place for a few weeks. at first, i had some…female..stuff..and that threw my moods out of wack, and then around that same time, i ran out of my mood stabilizer. i was going up and down for a few weeks, but not enough that it caused any problems. i generally have a low default mood, and it kinda just swings super low back to baseline extremely quickly, unless i stop sleeping, then i could go way up too. it changes by the hour sometimes, or minutes. even when medicated, it does that. i can handle psychosis, but mood swings are a whole other story. i can go from wanting to hurt myself to wanting to do fifty three different creative ideas in a few hours. back and forth all day, every day. it’s pretty tiring. on meds, the changes are a little bit slower and milder, but when i’ve gotten used to them, they get bigger and wilder. usually, i would just take some klonopin to control them, and that worked for a while, but i kinda feel that over time it’s made things worse? i’m not sure if that’s a thing or not. with the meds that i’m currently taking, i can’t take it anymore. but i haven’t really needed to either. so it’s a win-win, i guess.
last week, i had my gabapentin increased, and everything slowed back down. i’m less anxious and mentally rigid, and i’m too sedated to notice most of the mood stuff. i’m the kind of person that SHOULD be sedated. i can get violent when i feel cornered, imaginary or not. i can do all kinds of things i might not remember later, because when i have these mood episodes i tend to dissociate pretty bad. i’ve gotten lost several times because i can’t recognize my surroundings. i do things that normal-minded me wouldn’t normally do and won’t remember later. it’s a whole mess sometimes. i go wild posting on the internet, buying things i don’t really need, doing things i’ll generally just regret later and feel like i need to hide after i find out what i did. it’s like going blackout drunk, or whatever, but without drinking or taking anything. i don’t wanna end up in trouble at some point because i did some ridiculous thing, so it’s best that i’m sedated most of the time.
the depression side of it is vastly different. don’t want to do anything, interact with anyone at all. don’t want to leave the house, participate in usual activities. don’t want to clean the house. can’t take care of yourself hardly at all. everything is pointless and nothing is worth being awake for. the whole thing where people claim that “depressed people just see reality better than others” is total bullshit. when you’re depressed, you can’t see reality at all. when you’re manic, same thing. you’re totally out of reality, and your thinking is distorted. it’s not normal, it’s not some quirky thing to gain cool points. it’s a dangerous disorder, and it’s not fun to deal with. joking about it is one thing, because some people joke about it to cope with it, but there’s a lot of stigma around it. it can destroy your life. it’s not something you can choose to have one day because you’re bored. it can be controlled, but it’ll always be there, even if you’re okay for a really long time. if you think you might be bipolar, seek the help of a doctor…before it gets out of control and somebody or yourself gets hurt. it’s irresponsible to not get help in some way. i realize that not everyone has the means to, but it’s important that you figure out a way to cope with it in some healthy or constructive way.
i don’t remember where i was going with that but i’m not going to bother editing my posts very much. i’m trying to be real as possible here without triggering anyone, giving people the wrong idea, or whatever. my thoughts are getting messier lately. i’m not sure if that’s because of schizo things or if i need my adhd med increased. i probably just need all of it adjusted. i haven’t done that since november. i get used to meds quickly. i’ve only forgotten or skipped my meds just a few times, mostly just when i’ve run out at the end of the month. i used to skip doses all the time, and it made me an extremely shitty person to be around probably. i wasn’t very med-compliant. however, i’m not totally in psychosis atm so i know when i need to be careful with it.
speaking of psychosis, the past week it’s been getting kinda freaky. you know when you’re severely sleep deprived and you start seeing things moving that shouldn’t be, shadows, and all that? that’s kinda what mild psychosis is like for me. i’ve been hearing some voices whenever i try to sleep. they’re not when i’m almost asleep, but they start whenever i close my eyes and attempt to start trying to force myself to fall asleep. i can feel the vibrations of the voices in my head, just like if it was a real person yelling. usually, the only time this happens is when i’m stressed out for any real length of time, like i have been. so i’m just assuming it’s from stress and i’m not about to like…really lose it. because it’s been a long time since that last happened. i’m not on any antipsychotics right now, and i don’t want to be again. at least for a while. they’re very unpleasant. my body doesn’t cooperate with them and they make me feel shitty. for some people though they’re great, but i just don’t feel good on them.
i’m hoping that when my brain calms down and behaves itself that i can give my room a good cleaning and redecorating and then start making art time-lapses for patreon again. those are the main project that i work on, on there. they’re fun to do, and i LOVE video editing, almost as much as i love painting. i feel like if i were to go to school for anything it would either be to study volcanoes or video editing and all that.
whenever i’m on the mania side of things, i always plan a million and two different ideas for things i could do, or could be doing. most of it, i don’t even have the energy for but it just feels like the absolute best idea ever. i want to do everything, right now, all the time, forever. then something will happen, something small and normally inconsequential, will cause me to spiral back down into a low mood. and then something will make me feel good, and i’ll spiral back up. over and over.
the one benefit though, is that sometimes i’ll end up creating like five paintings in two days, get some videos done, stuff uploaded, some cleaning will get done, maybe some writing, i’ll learn how to play some songs…i’m not saying that letting mood swings go untreated is a good thing, but sometimes i can use it in my favor, but i have to be careful.
wow. this post is a MESS.
i’m kinda going into sensory overload so i’m gonna wrap this up and have some coffee and think about what to blog about next. i’m going to do a second SPD post about overloads, meltdowns, etc. and who knows what else. i haven’t decided yet.
i hope everyone has a good weekend??